Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
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Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Name this drama.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish