Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
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Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.