Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
You Might Also Like
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
mentally somewhere in italy
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”