TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
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not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.