Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
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[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
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