If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
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[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.