I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
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me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl