So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
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eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Woke up against my better judgement again
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.