Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
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me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.