It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
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Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
I’m not lazy
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
My Sentiments Exactly
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.