if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
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MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Can we not just call it Zealand now?