About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
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I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
(2022)
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
The game has officially changed 😎
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
idk flipping houses looks really hard
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?