Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
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I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 馃槀馃槀馃槀
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 馃檹馃従
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Banking tips
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae