My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
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“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!