Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
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my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.