I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
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I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.