My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
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[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.