I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
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My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.