I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
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guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
This is true.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered