“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
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No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Yep.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating