“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
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Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
had to make it
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
I falcon love using swear birds
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No