Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
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KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day