Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
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I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
I’m too immature for adultery.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”