Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
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*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
I saw this ending much differently.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.