If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
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If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Pass gas, not judgment.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.