Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
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Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Put the is in disheveled
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
some Old Testament wisdom
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter