I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
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The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations