Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
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The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
The devil.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing