There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
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Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Mistakes were made
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle