me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
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My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
I drew y’all a little something.