I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
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What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
his wife is probably gonna see that
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.