From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
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I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.