Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
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I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.