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the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”