Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
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A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Somewhere in an alternate universe
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.