I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
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I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.