I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
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fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
WHY?!
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.