Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
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my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.