Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
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I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”