Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
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her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
you gotta be faster
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”