Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
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No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
I feel seen.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Storm Tropical Storm
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today