Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
You Might Also Like
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR