What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
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My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker