I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
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If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Never be a pizza!
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
He wanted to make sure😂