I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
You Might Also Like
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?