It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
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me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Home is where your toilet is.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.