Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
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Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf