“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
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You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up