When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
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Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
My favorite farside!!
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.