I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
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Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Science memes
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Oh boy, $150,000!
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
I’d … I’d rather not.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go